Keeping It Going in Alabama: A Most Perfect Day

Sunday, November 1. I think we will remember this day for a long time. How it almost didn't happen and how we made it happen and how we couldn't stop talking about what a perfect day it was.

I've not hesitated about telling anyone who would listen that I'm having a hard time keeping my spirits up lately. It seems like so many things have conspired to take me down - the still-missing Layla cat, not seeing my sweet girls enough, the state of our country and worry that it will get worse.

I would never have believed anyone 9 months ago who would even have suggested that I would have a hard time confined to my home. I told Emily yesterday that in March and April when I thought this was going to be a temporary thing, I pretended to hate it, but secretly I enjoyed time alone to do just what I wanted to and doing nothing I didn't want to. It was my dream - for the world to stand still awhile and let me catch up.

It didn't quite work that way, and while I have really not minded being on my own up until now, all of a sudden I did.

This weekend after reading more of our old emails among family and friends during 2009-2010, but mostly between Mike and me, it started to affect me. Even though he was in Texas keeping a job and I was in Alabama keeping Mama, we were looking toward the future in everything we did. But now I know the future, and he's not in it. We did have so much fun emailing back and forth and sharing pictures and funny things with family and friends, but, reading now, there is always that underlying thought that I'm here, and this is not the life we thought we would be having.

Nothing made the weekend better. I could not find a book I wanted to read or a movie I wanted to watch or any sewing that I wanted to do. I just cried a lot and walked around the neighborhood calling futilely for Layla. Not both at the same time.

The girls and I had planned a movie night for Halloween night just because their plans had fallen through, and there was no trick-or-treating. They did end up doing some fun things in the afternoon, and somehow the movie night just fizzled away. I think we are all still wary of being together inside too much, and I would have felt like a party pooper.

Sunday morning after whining a little bit (maybe a lot) to a couple of people, I just decided to ask for help. I texted Emily and said, "I need help. Can you call me at some point. I'm not doing too well."

She was immediately on it, making suggestions, asking questions, but the main thing from the text was, "I got you, Mama." I can't describe how those words just gave me so much hope. She's always "had" me, but we had both gotten used to my not needing her very much.

She suggested taking the girls to Target (or somewhere cheery). We agreed to think about it while she did her Peloton challenge, which sounds like something unhappy and hard to me.

I was beginning to see some sunshine and thought about how we didn't go to Mike's Tree on September 12th like usual because of all the smoke, so that was suggested and embraced, and we were underway. Ryan stayed home and immersed himself in pantry reorganization, so it was just the 4 girls.

Our first stop was Starbucks for coffee and lemonade. I was so thankful for those blue skies and beautiful leaves.

Then we were on our way. Those masks are so cute I don't think anyone minded wearing them. The girls are good about mask-wearing and very concerned not to make Mimi sick. That gives me a little guilt, but I feel the same about making them sick.

It took us about 10 minutes to get to the place, Tanner's Landing in North Bend and the Tree.

Mike has never been there, but when he was in the hospital, Ryan took Emily there to just have some time alone, and she got so much comfort from being there, just a time to pray and cry and be alone. They went the next year, and then I've gone with them since then. It was fun last year, but this was absolutely the best time, really a magic time.

When we first got there, we were a little alarmed at how many cars we saw lined up a good piece from the fenced field. Then we realized that there was an entrance to the Mount Si trailhead, and they were all going hiking. Whew! We've never seen many people there, and today was no exception, once we passed the hikers.

We took chairs and a blanket, and the girls spent time just running like crazy in the open fields and making a nest under the tree, and Emily and I talked. And talked. Only a few tears, mostly just happy ones. We confess that we want to know everything about life after death, but since we don't, we just have to make up what comforts us.

It was easy to feel Mike's presence there, looking up into those old branches with the mountains in the background. We could imagine his joy in seeing the children growing so fast and being so healthy and happy. There's nothing like seeing a child just run and run with no object in mind except to experience the thrill of it. And then to watch them running together with the sun shining on their hair, making up some exciting adventure.

But we always comes back to the same old, "It's just not fair!" Life is just never going to be just the way you want it to be, and we have to grab at the happiness while we have it.

One sweet girl in boots and jacket meticulously gathering branches and sticks and making a beautiful nest for her little giraffe.

Graysen quickly overheated with all the running and got comfortable. She promises me she's not to big to sit in my lap and cuddle when we can!

These girls are my whole life, and I found I just needed to spend a little time with them.

This is my hero, and Mike knew what he was doing when he moved mountains to get me moved up here. She is totally dedicated to her family, totally dedicated to her job, and thankfully totally dedicated to Manya - which is her latest name for me.

Walking back to car - reluctantly - we talked about what a lovely day it was, just perfect, and I kept thinking of the Louis Armstrong song, "What a Wonderful World." We immediate got it playing in the car. I can never hear that song without tears - ever - but it was the perfect ending. Those words. Every one so special.

We managed to find a "plateau" that Graysen had seen on the way - they're into geography and land forms at school - and then she had a song request. "Play Under Pressure, Mama!" I felt just the opposite, like the pressure had lifted.

Good-byes were sweet with always hopes and promises that we will soon get to cuddle and have sleepovers again.

So thankful that I swallowed my pride and asked for help and for a sweet daughter who made it all better. She worries and worries about work situations and family situations about not being able to "fix" things, but I feel fixed for a while.

I took an early morning walk and rattled cat food and constantly called for Layla but didn't see even the glimpse of a little gray cat. I woke up in the middle of the night to an awful sound - coyotes howling - and they seemed too close for comfort. What a terrible sound to hear when the little kitty may be outside. I'm not giving up hope, but I think the chances are pretty slim of our seeing her again.

I guess we have to roll with the punches somewhat or just give up.

I ventured a little farther away from the immediate vicinity to call Layla - up past the school and what's left of these beautiful trees.