I had a mammogram Wednesday. It was easy, quick, and I was headed home within 30 minutes of arriving. It's always a good feeling to get something like that checked off my list. I was told that I would get a letter within 2 days, but if something was wrong they would call me.
And I got the call. THE call. The one you don't expect to hear because you get this sense of complacency about everything being okay. When I saw the number on my phone, it was like time came to a standstill, and I was hyper-aware of everything. They wanted me back in for more x-rays, about an hour-long visit. I did have a re-take 7 years ago, but nothing was found. I got an appointment set up for this morning and then had the rest of the night to think about it.
It was the strangest feeling, not of fear or anxiety or even much worry, but it was constantly on my mind. I've never been sick, so I worried about how I would handle illness if this turned out to be serious. I worried about how Emily and Elise would do after losing their dad so recently. Both are doing well at their jobs and home life, and I just felt guilty that I might be the cause of stress and worry for them. And the little girls. I don't flatter myself that they can't do without me, but I'm such a part of their lives right now, and I don't want them to see me as less than capable and just there for them.
As I got ready for bed, things were so clear to me, like I wanted to remember exactly how I was feeling right then. Everything I did was accompanied by the thought, "Is this about to change?" And this morning as I got ready, I would think things like, "When I next go into this closet, my life might be totally different." I usually like change, but in this case I really, really wanted things to stay the same - for a long time. It sounds like I was worrying a little bit, but it was a peaceful feeling and more of a feeling that I just wanted to get it over with. I wanted to know. Because I was told that a doctor would give me the results before I left.
Emily insisted on going with me, and I agreed and didn't know how much that would help. We didn't talk about it on the drive over but had a lot of other things to talk about. She was allowed to go back to the inside waiting area, and that was nice. There were a couple of other girls back there, and they had a funny discussion about some new TV show or podcast or whatever it is that people watch lately. It kept me from thinking.
So I basically just had the same x-rays as before with maybe one extra one and was told they would be viewing these super close up. Of course, that's not the term they used, but I knew what they meant. So I went back to wait with Emily a few more minutes before the doctor called me into her office. She didn't keep us wondering very long and just showed us 3 small calcium deposits that they hadn't seen last year, and they wanted to take a closer look. On looking at my study 7 years ago, they were there then, tiny pin points that haven't grown. So, a big exhale. The only change is that I have to go back at 6 months, 12 months, and 24 months from now. If nothing has changed, then we'll assume there's nothing going on. I go every year anyway so no big deal.
I thought I would be relieved, and I was, in a warm, contented sort of way. Emily wanted to stop at PCC for a few things, and I just waited in the car with the heater on, just reflecting. I am thankful to God, of course, for this and all my other blessings. But there's also this feeling instead of "Why, me?" "Why NOT me?" I don't feel like I'm any more deserving of good fortune than someone who has a great tragedy in their life. I get another chance, another day that I don't have to worry about my life changing for the worse, and I'm grateful for that.
Emily and I talked about it on the way home. She was apologizing for not making a bigger deal out of it, because we went across the street to her office where she had some things to take care of. I told her I thought I would want this big celebration, a nice lunch and a shopping trip, something fun - but instead I just wanted to go home, get my groceries, and take a nap. We did go to the grocery store at the same time, and, again, I just was so thankful that I know this person zipping up and down the aisles and sneaking up on me and comparing our purchases - and that this person knows and loves me and will always take care of me. I told her on the ride home how I felt about her excessively worrying about me, and she reassured me that she is 60-70% more confident now than she was when Mike was diagnosed. She just about shut her whole life down to try to make him better, and when everything didn't work as it should, it just devastated her. I know I can count on her if I need her, but she is devoted to making good things happen for her little family too.
Elise has always said she would take care of me when I'm old or sick. I used to think she was wishing the time was then! But I think she was pretty relieved not to have to change her life around right in the middle of a job that takes a lot out of her. Emily bought us some scones in PCC, so we had a little celebration.
And the girls know nothing! And that's the way it should be. I feel completely wonderful at the moment, knowing I have a weekend ahead of me and that winter is one week shorter than it was last Friday.
The tubing trip might have to be called off since I-90 is closed, and no one could get up to the Pass. They were to hear an update at 4:00, which is 30 minutes from now. So if they want to go plowing around in the snow, I hope they get to. This fire feels pretty good right now, and I have a sleeping kitten at my feet.
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