Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Sleepless Near Seattle

I can't sleep a whole night through any more, and that's so unusual I don't know how to handle it.  Mike was a full-fledged insomniac.  He spent more time up in the middle of the night than he did in bed - and then made up for it during the day.  A lot of this was due to his medications the past couple of years, and this was fine when he had no jobs or responsibilities.  Well, fine for me because I couldn't identify.  Sleep was something that has always happened immediately for me, and it took a lot of noise or alarms to wake me up.  And then I was never ready to get up.  I hardly ever turned down a nap during the day at some point either.

Now I'm afraid to go to bed because I'm afraid I won't sleep.  I'm tired most days from playing with the girls and all that's involved in caring for them.  I put off going to bed until I'm just exhausted - and then take a couple of melatonin just in case I don't fall asleep immediately and are left with my sadness and thoughts.  And I do go to sleep fairly easily, but then I wake up at strange hours of the night that seem like morning.

I woke up at 2:30 this morning because of an alarm that was set (for some reason) at 2:30 instead of 6:30.  I staggered around trying to figure things out and was so relieved that I could go back to bed for 4 more hours.  But then I didn't sleep.  Finally at 4:00, I got up, made coffee, and sewed awhile.  Now I'm thrilled that I have another 2 hours before my alarm was to go off - free time - time to leisurely check emails and bank statements and Facebook.  Time to order something from Amazon.  Dangerous time.  I guess I'm not really complaining.  I'm glad to be given some extra hours with the fire and my little tree.

We had real snow Sunday and yesterday - just the kind that falls in big fat gobs and covers the ground quickly.  In the South, we're so used to having some overnight or morning snow that just barely stays long enough to enjoy.

I had to get out yesterday though, and I was a little scared in this unfamiliar territory.  What's slippery and what's safe?  Are the streets safe to drive on?  Can I bear getting in that cold car?

Fortunately, Emily came by and escorted me to their house like the princess I am.  I did have to get down these stairs.  They look dangerous, but with fluffy snow, it's okay to walk on.  When we have ice, though, I will be cloistered here in my little second-story nest.

Our birds had stopped coming to the feeder during the fall, so I took it down during those windy days and nights.  But this morning I saw a single chickadee come hopping across the balcony, so I put a little food back out.  I later saw him come and dine, ignoring the plate of food and eating from the feeder.

The girls and I enjoyed watching the snow falling and drinking hot chocolate and reading stories most of the morning.  My favorite kind of morning.  And lots of dancing, as usual.  Kate is fascinated by the tutu drawer and opted for the layered look.

Emily came home sick and slept some.  All of us are  just not getting over whatever is bugging us.

After we got the girls down for naps - sweet warm little creatures - Emily and I sat in the living room and talked and cried and tried to make sense of our grief and tried to figure out how we're going to go forward.  It was good for us - although draining - and I think we both felt a little better to have some time alone to talk.

Ryan brought me home and helped me get my garbage cans out, and I was so confident by then that I walked to the mailbox without even worrying about falling and breaking something.  I've been wearing only a windbreaker so far since we moved here, but we remembered that I had bought a nice heavy coat a few years ago and left up here in case I needed it.  So it was time to bring it out.  It makes all the difference in the world to be warm.  Who knew?  This is all new to me - snow and cold and rain.  I've never even owned a heavy coat before.  I might even be wearing a hat.

We're going to see the Nutcracker Friday night - also known as the Nutquacker - and here's a little preview.  This was early, so the ballerinas are without hair combing or nose wiping.  And sometimes without the proper costume.

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