I try to think of things every day that might make me feel better, but they all come with a price tag - remembering enjoying them in happier days.
Last weekend, Saturday, I believe, we had such a beautiful day, yellow and red leaves already, a brisk cool wind blowing, low clouds threatening rain - and my sweet 3-year old to spend the afternoon with me. She doesn't understand yet about her PopPop. She knows he's not around and hasn't been for some time, but she has faith that she will see him again. I'm going to take her approach too.
We walked from her house to the apartment as usual, and even though my heart was so heavy, I let myself be in the moment and enjoy her sweetness and joy.
I spent awhile Sunday afternoon sitting on the balcony with a little sunshine and cinnamon coffee reading a book sent by my friend Roz who has been there with encouragement all during the hospital stay and since. I'm having a hard time reading very much at a time, but I'm sure I'll read and re-read this book.
On Monday morning, I had to make a very sad visit to the library to take Mike's books back and make sure he didn't have anything checked out I had forgotten to take back. While I was there, I did get this:
And will start doing the Sunday crossword puzzle. I'm sure he would have smirked derisively if I had told him I would tackle that, but I'll do my best to carry on the tradition.
I know they will be just glanced at and returned and that I'll never make anything in them, but I will take any little bit of pleasure I can right now.
It's going to take deliberately finding peace and joy again for our family. We'll have to look for it because if we just sit there and take it, we will be overcome with sadness and grief. I have faith we can do it.